The Couple's Problem - An Interpersonal Conflict

This story involves a married couple – Andrew and Arlene. Back to 3 years ago, Arlene was 28 years old when she was first introduced to Andrew through a relative. Andrew is 6 years older than Arlene. Having owned a private house and a car and with a stable income, Andrew is a successful young man. Moreover, being virtuous and hard-working, Andrew has attracted a lot of girls who desperately want to marry him. Being near to her 30s, Arlene was also desperately seeking for a long-life partner. So apparently, Arlene was also attracted to Andrew. After four-month courtship, they both decided to get married. So they got married 4 months after they first knew about each other; and that was October. They both were very happy and satisfied with what life had offered so far. Soon afterwards, Arlene was expecting a baby which would be delivered in August the next year. Andrew was even overjoyed about the news. He was in a dire hope of having children after all. So the baby came in August. And both of them felt blessed.

However, life began to become not so blissful to them. Both Andrew and Arlene are working parents. Neither of them is willing to quit his/her job to become a full-time babysitter. Believing that parental care is crucial for one’s growth, they both do not wish to hire a maid. The common problem arises as so to many other married couples: who will and how to take care of the baby? In order to share parental responsibilities fairly, they have reach a compromise that they will have half-day off so as to take care of the baby alternately. It seemed to work out for the first week; however, being a workaholic person, Andrew started to feel uncomfortable leaving half-done work and returning home to attend to housework. Also having very minimal experience in doing housework, Andrew always felt that he was unable to do as much he would like to. Andrew is a person who can only be driven by a sense of achievement and self-confidence. However, his clumsy way of handling housework only made him feel like a loser. Deep inside, Andrew is a chauvinist who strongly believes that men should go out and work while women should take care of the household. No matter how unfair Andrew thought of the arrangement, he kept silent. Being aware of the mess Andrew sometimes made, Arlene said nothing. She was already grateful that they could take care of the household without getting a domestic helper.

One day, when Arlene came back from work and took over babysitting work from Andrew. Seeing that the baby had not been fed and the floor had not been cleared again, Arlene felt immense anger. She could not control her temper and started yelling at her husband, “look at the mess you’ve made, Andrew! What have you done? I’m a working mum and can still take such good care of the house. Every time I get back home, despite the stressful work, I have to clear the mess you’ve left behind. How come you are so inconsiderate and never think about how I feel! Can’t you have some self-awareness? You are practically useless in the house!” Upon hearing the word “useless”, Andrew immediately sprang to his feet; he threw an empty beer can to Arlene, and like an electrified cat, he shouted, “I’m useless? I’m the breadwinner. You women by principle should stay at home. I’m already kind enough to let you work. Why are you women always so greedy!” Facing the mess interspersed with the baby’s loud crying, Arlene was on fire, “If I knew it is like this, I wouldn’t have married you!” And with the door slammed, she left the house.

So here are the questions. Were they just facing a problem with parental responsibility only? What is the root cause of it after all? Was the hasty marriage the real problem to their relationship?

Why are effective communication skills important to ME?

As human beings who are capable of speech, we are bound to interact with one another using verbal cues. Effective communication is a situation where the thoughts of the communicators, are expressed and received in an undistorted fashion. To me, effective communication is indispensable for meaningful and enjoyable interaction with others. However when my thoughts and feelings are misinterpreted by my listeners, I do sense frustration; and if such negative experiences prevailed, I would undoubtedly gradually generate an aversion to human interaction, or if not to that extreme at least I would keep all my thoughts, no matter how wonderful they can be, within the artificial boundary that I have set up. And to be honest, I appeared a bit withdrawn upon my arrival in Singapore which was initially a foreign place to me. Can you imagine a rather talkative and spontaneous person could suddenly becomeso introverted and friendless? In such an awkward and anxious state, I was really in a dire need of help. Thank goodness, I was fortunate enough to have some really amiable people around me whose friendliness ultimately opened up my heart.

Having experienced a real personal conflict, I began to learn the similarities and differences in terms of perceptions, perspectives, values and cultural backgrounds of the people around me and myself. I also realised that “effective communication skills” is not a perpetual concept which applies universally. The world is yet “flat”. What I had perceived as effective communication skills earlier were, on my arrival in Singapore initially, to prove ineffective and hindered my progress in this different country with, to me, a unique culture. And like many other stubborn human beings, worse still, I was not even aware of my flawed mode of thinking. It all made sense. Outdated machines need to be replaced. So as you see, holding on to my old conventions only hypnotised myself into a self-deceiving state in which self-development was hampered. Hence, I need to consistently renew my skills.

To reduce conflicts, be it inter-personal, inter-cultural, or inter-religious, we need to put ourselves in other people’s shoes and try our best to understand their thoughts and deeds as much as possible. An enthusiastic heart is not enough, effective communications applicable in different social and cultural contexts are essential for me to become a true global citizen.